Today's Draw: Dreamer Five from Tarot of the Sidhe—Hope Discarded. Are you thinking of making a choice that you KNOW is bad for you? Does it seem like there's always a black cloud hanging over your head? Are you just "not yourself" anymore?
Well, here's a bleak little draw for your humpday musings. The figure in the card has cut her cords of attachment—to hope, to humanity, to source—and she unceremoniously tosses her blade aside. Hope hasn't abandoned her. She has abandoned hope. The blood of her detachment taints the landscape around her. All that is left for her are feelings of negativity, defeat and powerlessness.
So have a nice Wednesday, readers!
Ha! You knew I wouldn't abandon you. Nor would I abandon hope. But sometimes I might forget it.
I'm like a balanced/depressive. That's different from a manic depressive in that I never get manic...haha. At no time do I ever have crazy unbridled energy. The bipolar people I've known seem to like their manic phases because they get so much done. So I must admit I feel a little cheated. I'm either depressed or normal/balanced. From the depressed times, I know what it's like to forget about hope. And I also know what it's like to just let go and spiral downward as a choice, like this lady has done here.
And I hate to say what I'm about to say because it makes me feel like every pushy religious zealot I hate, but God is the answer. And drugs. Drugs help, too. Antidepressants, not self medication, mind you. Because when your hormones are out of whack, Prozac will get you back.™ (Lines like these are why I earn the big bucks in advertising.)
I say God is the answer, too. And by that I mean that having faith and a regular spiritual practice that includes meditation or time with your higher power helps a lot. It especially helps keep you centered so you don't get down in the first place. But it's not the only answer and if you really are chemically depressed, your results may be quicker and better with modern medicine.
If you need help, there's no shame in seeking it. I've seen therapists at three different times in my life. And when the mood swings of menopause hit, I finally decided to take an antidepressant. I thought it would make me happy go lucky. Instead it just keeps me balanced. (Foiled again!) So if you're like me and pride has stood in your way, talk to your doctor. You don't have to feel this way.
One of the things I've learned from the ups and downs of my life is that depression doesn't always look or feel like depression. Sometimes it looks and feels like making choices you know are bad for you, but you make them anyway. Sometimes it looks and feels like staying with someone who makes you feel "less than". Sometimes it looks and feels like a drug or alcohol problem. Sometimes it feels like nobody cares, so eff them all! Sometimes it looks and feels like life sucks and then you die. Sometimes it feels like chronic anger. Desperation. Negativity. Defeat. Powerlessness. All of those things, if they've caught you in their grips, are things your doctor should know about. Even if it feels like you don't feel like telling him.
The thing about depression is that you usually don't know how bad it got until you're out of it. Sometimes you don't even know you're in it until you're out. When I look back on my life, I'm embarrassed to say I've have periods of YEARS in depression...where depression was my norm. I can even pinpoint times when I was so defeated that a thin line stood between pulling myself back out and cutting myself off from hope. In retrospect, I can see those times as foolish gambles. Because when you're that far gone...when you're feeling powerless...you effectively are. In reality you always have the power, but sometimes you don't care enough to use it. And it's easy to cross the line.
So if you're feeling low or self-loathing/self-destructive and it doesn't look like things are heading up, talk to you doctor. It may not even be depression. Hey, I was severely anemic for two years of my life and that caused a lack of energy and doldrums. Sleep problems can cause emotional strain. Wheat allergies can lower your energy. And sometimes you just make idiotic decisions. There are any number of things that could be going on. And maybe they'll get better on their own. Maybe they won't.
If you're within the reach of my words, I know for a FACT that you deserve to feel better. In fact, you wouldn't be reading my stuff if you weren't interested in improving yourself and your connection to source, because it's all I ever talk about. So if you're "not yourself" and haven't been for a while, you deserve to know why. Even if it means dragging your ass to the doctor. And if they tell you they don't have an appointment anytime soon, start crying and tell them you're afraid you don't have that long (even if you're just being dramatic). The first step toward feeling better is letting someone know who can help. YOU deserve that.